Control
by aiTaiOrihara
Summary: "For once I'm controlling my pain. I can control what's hurting me and I love it. As the cuts grow in number and depth the pain becomes stronger than the pain in my chest." Highschool, three-shot, fluffy sweet Shizaya in last chapter.
1. Hate

_a/n: Ah, inspired by the huge number of fics out there of poor Izaya loving Shizuo and not being loved back. Since it breaks my heart, if I get enough people asking, I will write a second part full of fluffs~ And I know its a sensitive topic, but as someone who used to cut I find that its okay to read and write about it, if you understand the emotion behind it. Anyway, I donno if enjoy would be the right word, but Imma stop rambling now~_

* * *

_Just fuck off, louse. I hate you._

_I hate you._

Hate you.

"Hate... you...GODDAMMIT!"

I heard the light thump as my phone hit the wall. I bring my shaking hands to my hair, vaguely aware of the tugging feeling. My hands- no, my entire arms are shaking as I grit my teeth, fighting to hold back those damn tears. The back of my head collides with the wall behind me, curling myself tighter in the small corner. Why am I even here? Whatever.

"Ahh...Its not- why can't- why me- it hurts..." I can hear my shaky voice whimpering like some stupid girl, god I am so pathetic. I tug on my hair harder, perhaps I'm trying to redirect the pain to my scalp, who knows, I don't. I can feel my entire body shaking, and god now I'm rocking back and forth like I'm stuck in some insane asylum. Pathetic and crazy. Aren't I, though? That's why you don't like me, why you never will, why I'll always be alone, stuck in this one-sided love...

I bite my lip to hold back the sobs threatening to escape. I know if I allow myself to cry, I'll wind up screaming, and then my mom or sisters or all of them will run in to see what's wrong. I don't want their concern right now. I don't want have to explain this... I don't want to lose my mask that I've worked so hard to create. No one can see, no one can know.

But, why? I never even did anything to him! How can the first thing you say to someone you don't know be 'you piss me off'? How can you just walk past someone as they try to reconcile, try to be friends? He really is a monster. Shizu-chan is nothing but a monster. Not because of that stupid strength or stupid fucking temper. Its because I love humans, but I can't love one individually- but I can have feelings for a monster. And I do. I love a monster. I love him...

"Fucking hell..." I curse quietly, and I think the shaking in my voice is only worse than before. I weakly pull myself onto my bed, and shove my face into the pillow.

And I let it out.

I scream, cry, curse, curse Shizu-chan, curse myself, curse emotions, curse my life, the world, my school, the fucking whores of humans that call themselves the female race, everything.

All muffled by a bundle of feathers wrapped in cloth- that's now soaked in salty tears and saliva. Great.

I lift my head up, but for some reason, I can't stop. Tears are still falling, and I'm still shaking. It won't go away- this pain in my chest is still here. Damn.

Why is my switch blade in my hand? The one I marked Shizu-chan with. Trusty blade. Always gives me that lovely sense of power and control. Its like a security blanket. But why is it in my hand? Oh.. I know... But wouldn't scars just mar my flawless skin? Hah.

Its fine, I won't leave any cuts, no marks, just press the blade on my skin lightly, it'll only leave a tiny dent, nothing- oh, oh god, I'm bleeding, why am I bleeding, I didn't even feel anything, but there's a cut and it's bleeding- why didn't I feel it? Maybe if I try again, I'll feel it- there it is. There's the pain. But it's not that bad. It's not.. its good. I like it. Maybe it'll hurt more next time- yup. It did hurt more. Three now. And it hurts but I don't want to stop.

For once I'm controlling my pain. I can control what's hurting me and I love it. As the cuts grow in number and depth the pain becomes stronger than the pain in my chest. I'm controlling my pain, finally, take that Shizu-chan, I'm no coward, I'm-

Oh, God.

It-its bleeding everywhere. My carpet is stained- How'd I get back on the floor? How'd there get to be so many cuts? Oh god, they're bleeding, it's bleeding- _I'm_ bleeding. I'm shaking more than ever now, I can't stop- Ah, I have to end this. I throw my blade to the floor and grab my wrist tightly.

And I locked the door. Great. Now there's blood on the doorknob. Ah well, I'm, in the bathroom now, and I made it without anyone noticing me. I was always good at that.

I force myself to take deep breaths. The water from the sink is cold, but it eases the pain, cleaning the blood that's still flowing...

Ah, I'll have to throw this towel away later. It's absolutely soaked in blood. Doesn't matter. I grab the bandages from our cabinet and wrap them around my wrist... arm, until the blood stops leaking through. Damn... how'd I let it get this far...?

I'm feeling dizzy... How'd I get back into my room...? And on my bed...? Everything is so blurry... and I still feel blood trickling down my arm... Oh.

_Fuck._

I passed out. Which means I never went to the bathroom. I dreamed it. And I'm still bleeding. My arm limply hangs off the bed, dripping crimson onto my carpet. It looks like someone was murdered. Maybe by tomorrow that'll be true.

I know I'm fading away... I can feel it. I blink to try to hang on to consciousness, but that rope is down to its last, fragile thread. Heh, thread. Maybe my red thread is gone, now. Maybe it never existed. After all, who could ever deserve the fate of being with me forever? Cruel.

Either my head is literally pounding or someone is trying to knock down my door. I must have been really out of it to not hear them calling me. Not like I could answer. I'm losing blood, and a lot of it.

The last thing I hear before I'm out is the high pitched shriek from my mom as Mairu kicked down the door.

* * *

_Like I said, review for a chapter two~! If not, we may never know if Izaya even lives!_


	2. Guilt

_a/n: And suddenly... it became a three-shot. -shrug- Enjoy part two! Sankyuu to those who reviewed!_

* * *

_Just fuck off, louse. I hate you._

At the time, I was really pissed. That damn flea just doesn't know when to leave me alone! And for some reason I'm trying to justify the harsh words- I mean, he should be used to it, right? And I _do_ hate him.  
So... Why do I feel so _guilty?  
_Maybe because its... been about an hour. No, I am _not _watching the time or anything. I _don't _want him to respond. I'm not anxious at all.

_...Sigh._

And suddenly my phone has replaced my homework and I find myself staring at a blank message waiting to be sent.

What the hell am I doing? There's no reason to apologize to that bastard! Knowing him, he'd just laugh at me and call me a pansy or some shit. I can practically hear his irritating voice ringing in my ears: _"Since when did you become so soft, Shizu-chan? Its almost human!"_

Tch.

Yeah, its not happening. I close my phone and put it away, hoping to just get the stupid louse off my mind. Are you supposed to think about people you hate this much?  
Are you... supposed to feel like how you feel when your little brother isn't home and missed your calls?

_GODDAMMIT!_

...

_[Hey, flea, did you finally decide to leave me alone, eh? Its not like you. Did you actually take my words to your non-existent heart? Well, you shouldn't. __...See you tomorrow.]_

* * *

Eh? The flea isn't at school today... I mean, usually he's always there, in his desk (front corner of the room, just next to mine...), with that stupid grin on his face, and that annoyingly cheery voice;

"_Ohayo, Shizu-chan! Did you just get out of bed, what with that hair of yours~? Too excited to see me to spend time brushing it, ne? How cute!"  
"Shut the hell up, IZAYA-KUN!"_

Crap, I've been standing here way too long. I'm sure people saw me staring like a deer in headlights. I quickly sit down to hopefully erase any ideas that I have feelings other than contempt for that raven haired boy.  
..._What the fuck? No louse, flea, worm, bastard- raven haired...? Seriously? What in the hell is wrong with me!_

If my classmates didn't already notice me staring at his desk then they definitely noticed me growling with my hands in my hair... Dammit Izaya, what have you done to me? Its like I've been... trapped.  
_Enchanted?_

I'm sure I look like an idiot banging my head against my desk.

I finally look up when I hear the classroom door open. Damn, today is a trippy day- I decide this to be a fact when I see Shinra, disheveled and downcast; he almost looks... sad. And _that _is something I've never seen before. Usually he's always just rambling about his beloved Celty or dissecting something or some shit. Now, however, he's quietly _**(quietly!) **_walking to his desk, and his blood-shot eyes are visible even through his glasses that reflect the little bit of morning sun from the window. I turn around in my desk to talk to him as he sits in the seat behind me.  
"Oi, whats wrong with you? Did you stay up all night or somethin'?" I can't help it, I have to ask. My curiosity's gotten the better of me, lately. Must be the stupid flea rubbing off on me–

_Fucking hell._

Shinra's hushed sigh brings my attention back to him, and he laughs nervously with a small, kinda depressing looking smile. Damn, something must really be wrong.  
"Kind of."  
"Kind of? What is that supposed to mean? Did you stay up half a night? Sleep for an hour? You look like a zombie." He only responds with a shrug, and turns his head away slightly. Damn, this is weird. "I was... stuck at the hospital."  
"What? The _hospital? _Why?" He was silent.  
"... Does it have to do with why Izaya is gone?"

His slight wince told me everything. He turned his eyes downwards and I knew. But... I just talked to him yesterday! Well, I mean, he texted me but... why would he be in the hospital? Dammit, Shinra better tell me or I'll beat it out of him!  
… I'm not acting very much like someone who's supposed so hate him, am I?

"Dammit Shinra! Tell me! Its almost time for class to start!" He sighed, and luckily for him, he made the right decision. "He... he passed out from severe blood loss... from... c-cuts on his arm and... and wrist... they think he– Sh-Shizuo? Hey wait– where are you going! Shizuo!"

_Fuck it._

* * *

_Well I wrote this and it wound up being the same length as the first part so... here is a part two for those who asked for it -flips desk-  
A third chapter is most likely happening or my otouto is gonna kill me. Now if I post it... that depends on you. Review!_


	3. Love

_a/n: Welp, final chapter, even though I didn't get as many reviews as I'd hoped... oh well._  
_If Shizuo seems horribly OOC well... he basically ran to the hospital and into the room to see a hospitalized Izaya sobbing into his pillow so._

* * *

_Its dark._

_Its so dark, so scary and I don't know where I am. I feel so heavy, constrained, trapped– I'm hyperventilating but there's nothing I can do about it, I feel panicked, but at the same time I'm aware of this and know I shouldn't be– can I open my eyes? I feel a bit stronger now, and the feeling of drowning is fading... My eyes are twitching, I feel... bedsheets under me, something tight on my wrist, my hair tickling my cheeks... it smells like chemicals and unsuccessful air freshener with that other strong scent I can only describe as 'old'. I hear a constant beeping and in all honesty it's starting to get annoying. I force my eyelids apart and..._

Suddenly light filled my eyes, and I squint as I force myself to get used to it. Damn, where the hell am I? The first thing I'm aware of is a tingling feeling in my wrist and the constricting feeling of something wrapped around it... My eyes allow me to travel down to where my arm lies, and I notice the white bandage that doesn't really stick out in comparison to my sickly white skin. Suddenly, its all coming back to me.

Ah, I must be in a hospital. My mother and sisters probably brought me last night. None of them are here now, though. Mom has work, sisters have school... they're like me, mischievous yet good students. Heh, I can't help but think how I influence them. The bad outweighs the good, I know. I tend to screw up everything I come in contact with. Including myself. Ha.

Taking a better look around, I realize that irritating beeping was a heart monitor, and it seems to have jumped in activity after I woke up. There's three chairs set up pretty close to mine, and one more somewhere in the corner. Mother, Mairu, Kururi... and whose could the last be? Most hospital rooms only have two chairs, so the fourth had to be there for someone. My father is working away, so it couldn't be him. Shinra? Most likely. It's kind of turned to the side, and he likes to sit sideways most of the time. A cute little quirk. I don't think he knows.

It almost makes me smile to know that Shinra came. I hope he wasn't here too late– he's awfully quiet when he's tired. It would definitely make it obvious that something was wrong if I wasn't there and he was quiet. Surely it would cause confusion and curiosity in Dotachin and Shizu-chan–

Shizu-chan. Would he even care? Would he ask why I was gone? Would Shinra tell him? Would he use this chance to come and kill me...?

Part of me feels like I wouldn't mind that.

Judging by the time, it probably hasn't been long since he got to school. I'm usually there before him. I wonder if he'll notice? Seeing as I usually greet him in a way that pisses him off every morning, I doubt he won't. I'm just that big of a part of his life. That my absence is noticed. That's why I act how I do– if I can't be the most special person to him, I'll be the most hated. Either way, I'm always on his mind; the first to pop up when something bad happens (he always blames me), the one who turns his face red the most (in anger) the one who's smile makes his heart race (because he detests it so much).

I _need_ that. When you look at it in general... what makes it all that different from love?

Why am I thinking of him? Why didn't they restrain me? Why are my cheeks so wet?

Since I finally have the strength I roll over and bury my face into the thin, uncomfortable pillow. Its the only one I have but I don't care, I'll deal with the damp fabric; its not like I haven't before.

This would be the second time in two days I'm crying into a pillow because of that stupid monster. Must be a new record. But I can't help it! It hurts so bad– no, not my wrist, my chest, it hurts and my heart's pounding and so is my head but I can't stop crying, even when I grit my teeth and its all so overwhelming I can't even hear the heart monitor anymore. I've even tuned out my own sobs, but I'm sure they sound pathetic. I feel stupid and I know I do because I'm acting like a lovesick schoolgirl but I guess I pretty much _am_ one!

Maybe... maybe some day I'll be over this. Maybe I'll grow up and realize this was all pointless, and I'll laugh at myself for acting this way. Maybe I'll figure out I never loved him. But... I've tried to think that way before, I've tried to push it away, but it always came back. Always.

I feel a little calmer now, and my breathing is slower... I take a deep yet shaky breath and manage to hear what sounds like footsteps, but only one set and really close. I take another breath and then there's a warmth on the back of my head, in my hair– its a hand, but who's? Too big for my mom or sisters', a doctor, then? But why would a doctor touch my head like that?

I slowly turn my head, peaking out from my pillow to see–  
"Sh-Shizu-chan...?"

Well, fuck. I can't hide anything now.

"Izaya... I'm sorry."  
Wait... _what._

"You... what? S-sorry? Wh... when– why...?" I can't even form a proper sentence. What the hell is going on? Shizu-chan's here and he's not killing me and his hand is still in my hair and his thumb is moving and its nice and gentle and _what is going on!_

"This is... this is my fault, isn't it? All of this... its because of me, right?"  
Damn the heart monitor for jumping just then.

"What... what makes you say that?" I sound so small...  
"You didn't respond to that text yesterday... usually you always reply with some stupid comment or retort but you didn't. And I just had a sinking feeling that I did something really, really wrong... Yeah, yeah, I felt a bit guilty." He lowers his eyes a bit and turns to look at something on the floor to my right. Probably nothing but linoleum.

My breath catches in my throat and I try to speak but nothing comes out. I opt for rolling over to lie on my back, and he helps me sit up. But after I'm already sitting he doesn't remove his arm from my shoulders and it kind of resembles a sideways hug and now I feel my face heating up as the heart monitor's pace increases.

"I... I guess you aren't as much of a protozoan as I thought..." I try to laugh a little, but its pathetic. I look up and _oh god that smile._

"I've never seen you cry before... its interesting but I don't think I like it." My eyes widen and the sheets have become a lifeline in my grip as I feel his surprisingly soft fingers on my cheek and I realize he's wiping away my tears.  
"Sh-Shizuo..."  
"I meant what I said. I really am sorry. I didn't realize... I didn't realize how you felt."  
I shrugged slightly, letting my head fall sideways to lean on his chest. He didn't flinch or anything... I'm glad, because I needed to hear his heartbeat to make sure this was real. "How could you... I hid it damn well... heh." I chuckled, a little more believable this time.

"Well yeah, all you did was piss me off all the time." Shizu-chan said, laughing a bit and petting my hair. It was nice. Comforting. I could really get used to this...  
"Though, I don't know how I feel about you right now. I know I don't hate you but I don't know if I lo– …share the same feelings you have for me." he told me cautiously, and I understand. Though it was kind of obvious what he was about to say.  
"Hey, who says I like you, eh? Just because you hating me makes me... well, its not a confession, or anything!" His eyes widened a bit when I said this, and he slightly pulled away to look at my face.  
"E-eh? It doesn't? I thought– well I assumed– you don't...?" Heh, he's all flustered and he can't keep his eyes in one spot. Shizu-chan really is adorable. I couldn't help but giggle, for real this time.

"Calm down protozoan, I'm kidding.. I really do... ehm... yeah." Well, damn, I'm too much of a coward to say it. Whatever. "And, I understand that you probably need time, but... I hope you'll be able to overlook all of what I've done to you... Some day... It was only for your attention, you see..."  
"Thought so." he nodded and lied me back down, cradling my head like I was some fragile baby. I shivered as he lightly brushed my dark bangs out of my eyes, and I can't help but want more of this.

"W-why so gentle, Shizu-chan...?"  
"Because, I can't seem to allow myself to hurt you like this."

_Fuckin' heart monitor.  
_Without a word, but with a lot of effort, I lift my arms to wrap them around his neck and pull him closer. He's surprised at first, but hugs me back eventually and I can feel his warm breath on my ear. Somehow this makes me shiver again.

"I promise, things will be different now..."

And they were.


End file.
